She laid there like that for a few minutes, trying to chase off the feeling of impending doom, completely ignoring the reality of it all. They could play pretend, she'd convinced herself - just for a little while - at least until he realized who was beside him.
And so it went, Campbell gently brushing her lips against Jared Sykes' sternum, sighing contentedly as she traced little patterns around his chest with a feather-light touch.
When he finally stirred, she moved up to peck his throat - hoping to grab his attention before reality set in. ''Morning.'' She smiled.
He groaned softly. It was an innate reaction to being pulled from sleep too soon, and one that he'd had a lifetime of practice to perfect. Jared rolled onto his right side and slowly opened his eyes.
'Hey,' he yawned, smiling.
Instinct took over yet again, and he edged closer, even going as far to wrap an arm around her.
'Whatimeizzit?'
''Not sure,'' came the answer, ''But we've got nowhere to be.''
You'd need to hollow out Everest to collect the thoughts hanging in the air of that room, tragic river rapids of insecurity and internal dialogue that roared in both of them - though Jared's was only trickling back to life at that point -threatening to spill over and distract from the moment of peace in all the calamity. Amy had elected to focus her energies on quelling the rebellion of reality against the paper-thin walls her rules of a one-night stand had created, willing herself to concentrate on the little things. There was the smoothness of her feet moving between the mattress cover and sheets as they slipped toward the warmth of Jared's legs, the reminder of her parents' home in the winter where the early sun reflected off of the snow and lit the room, or just the content purr of her cat at the foot of the bed.
Any of those things did the service, so long as she combined that concentration with one key action: Not looking at him. That one look could open her defenses to the angry slap of a reality she was trying to reject - that world where he was a nice guy who liked nice girls, and she was a drug addict who'd just come from a same-sex relationship with a criminal... one she'd cheated on a faithful husband for, no less.
No, the world they lived in normally was too painful. She rested her head just under his arm and let her eyes linger on the blue sky past the slit in the curtain, though they were distracted slightly by a dark blob nuzzling into her blanket-covered feet. That was good, though - it prompted conversation about little nothings, more to point Jared's mind away from what he'd done, and that fueled her grin when she spoke again. ''You must've let Reaper out of the bathroom at some point last night.''
'Did I?' He tried to catch her eye, but she wouldn't return his gaze. 'I didn't even realize.'
''Mhmm,'' Amy let her eyes drift shut for a second, just long enough to anchor her mind back to that room and not the sights beyond. ''I chased him in there before... ehm. Random housecats rubbing against your leg can be a real moodkiller, or so I hear.''
The attempted joke lingered without laughter for a little longer than she would have liked. ''Err... so... wow, I can't believe I slept at all.'' The follow-up point wasn't much better, though. Maybe Jared's mind wouldn't immediately drift to a dirty joke, but hers did, and it required some qualification. ''I mean, because I usually don't go to bed until the sun's up, not because I thought we should've kept goi--gonna stop now.''
Dumbass, she scolded herself.
'Don't worry about it.' His smile had faded a little, only a shadow of what it had been when he first woke. The fact that she wouldn't look at him was something he found a little unsettling, but there was no sense in bringing it up. It would only serve to make things more awkward than they were already trending, and potentially ruin the last of a good moment. They were so rare as of late to be protected at all costs.
'I usually don't sleep well in new places,' he continued, shifting his arm across her skin in the hopes of earning a reaction, any reaction. 'So I kinda know what you mean.'
''Yeah, I can never sleep next to anybody when I'm sober.'' The comment had been made without thinking, and she quickly made it worse by trying to make it better. ''Not that I think this whole... this... was anything big and special or... err, you know what I mean. God, I hope you know what I mean.'' She repeated, ''Like... I'm not gonna stalk you or suddenly make this weird, I promise. Not that it wasn't awesome, but--I should really stop talking, huh. I'm going overboard, so I'm just gonna come out and ask it...''
Finally, she tipped her head up and followed as Jared's eyes darted around nervously, finally bidding his gaze to rest with hers. ''We're okay, right? I mean... that was fine?''
With his self-confidence starting to wane, and the seeds of doubt blooming in his mind, Jared slowly drew back his arm. His concerns had been realized: while there was nothing to indicate that she felt he had taken advantage of her vulnerability in a deeply emotional state, things seemed to be trending away from the direction he'd hoped they'd go. Maybe there was nothing there after all.
'Yeah,' he said, trying to bring the smile back. 'We're fine.'
It seemed as though the bottom had fallen out of whatever tenderness Sykes would normally show - like the wind was gone from his sails. It was over, she thought, he'd had his spice and it was time to separate it, to reclaim his space as a friend and go back to being the nice guy who likes nice girls. In those three words, his tone had become flat, robbed of the sweetness and substance of the few before it.
Amy sighed because it hadn't taken him long to wake up and realize what laid beside him, even if she'd been so sweet. It was exactly what she'd feared - that he'd shaken away the sparkle of sex and sleep and came to the conclusion that Amy Campbell was no different than what anybody said about her.
''Good,'' She finally forced her grin to shine again - though it seemed so dim just then. ''I... y'know. I wouldn't want to lose a friend. That was...'' The pause only came so she could swallow the lump of nerves in her throat, and it was brief. ''... It was something else, though.''
'Mmm.' It wasn't much, but at the moment it was all he could think to say. Jared was never the most adept at dealing with a morning after. His last, some six months prior, had ended with him waking up alone next to a note. A note, he thought, would have made this much easier in the short term.
'I'm sorry,' he said at last, tucking his right arm under his pillow. 'I don't know what happens now.'
''I'll be honest,'' She couldn't help but laugh because the truth was funny to her, really, as compared to all the stories. ''I've slept with three people in five, maybe six years? I don't remember the rules. I'm glad I even remembered what to do. I'm trying not to chase you off, freak you out... kinda worried that admitting it will do the job, actually... and all I can think of to tell you is not to feel awkward or obligated here. We're still friends when we walk out of this room.''
Under the sheets, a hand found its way to Jared's hip. It was a small gesture, one she didn't intend for him to feel - one he was really trying to pretend hadn't made him want to smile. More than anything, it was a way for Amy to test for a waistband and a reason to be even more embarassed by her own fumbling. ''You totally put boxers back on. I... must've fallen asleep pretty fast, 'cause, total honesty again? I really didn't plan to make this weirder by being, uh...'' The little redhead shifted softly under the blankets, and the smoothness of fresh linens on skin brought the pink to her cheeks. ''... not quite so clothed when you woke up.''
'I'm sorry,' he said again, the serial apologist. 'I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. It's just one of those habitual things, I guess.'
The urge to tear them off his body right then and there was overwhelming, and he fought hard to suppress it. Had he thought it would have made the situation any more tolerable for either of them, or even lightened the mood some, he'd have done it without hesitation. As it was he feared that not only would be quite unsual to suddenly throw his underwear to the floor, but worse still was the notion that she might think he expected something.
'I'm just glad you're still here. I mean, I don't have much luck with, well... this. The last time this happened it kinda ended up ruining everything, so... yeah.' He shrugged, and then realized that his left arm was still resting across her side. 'I dunno.'
''Well, it's my chalet.'' Amy winked.
'In fairness, the last time this happened to me it was at he... at the other person's place. Didn't stop them from leaving.'
''Wow. That bitch deserves a kick in the teeth.''
'Eh, it's fine, I guess.' He shrugged again. 'I mean, I can kind of understand why. Had you run screaming down the mountain I think I'd have understood that, too.'
''And why would I run?''
''I dunno. Why wouldn't you?''
''You gave me a couple of great reasons to only a few hours ago,'' She smirked. ''Not that it changes... yeah.''
His hope rose and then fell in the span of her thought. He tried to push the notion from his mind. He wanted to to extend his embrace, to hold her against him, and for time to stop. What she wanted he didn't know. He'd never been particularly adept at reading people this way. Jared debated testing the waters. 'What doesn't it change?' he wanted to ask.
'I guess.' is what he said instead.
'No. God, no. Not at all.' It wasn't what he believed. He wasn't even sure if he was convincing. Either way Jared felt it should be said. 'It's just... I dunno. Different? Does that work here? It's not weird. It's different.' No sooner did the words escape his lips was he overcome by a powerful urge to punch himself in the face. 'Okay, maybe not the best choice of words, but you know what I mean, right?'
''I... yeah.'' She relented. ''Different. I guess it changes once you've seen what all the stories have been about, so... yeah. I understand.''
'No.' The statement was delivered very matter-of-fact, and punctuated with a grin. 'I mean, why would I?' He pulled his right arm out from under the pillow, propping his head up on his elbow. He kept the other in place, not wanting to let go. 'And no ducking the question. What's it gonna take?'
''Jared... what're we doing?'' She was defeated, frustrated, confused. More than anything, Campbell's expression was sad. ''This isn't... you're not gonna... you know what I mean.''
Finally, she just sighed, flipping over onto her stomach - very careful to let the sheets move with her, arms hugging the pillow. ''We're fantastic friends, and I know what I am. That's not a cry for pity or some silly self-loathing - I just know what category I'm in, even if you don't agree right now. I mean, you don't wanna do this. You don't, and I'm not insulted or anything about being the girl who's better as a friend. I understand how you're going to feel at the end of the day, even if you might not right now.'' Again, the redhead sighed. ''Trust me. There's a split-second of 'Maybe...', but then you're burning a friendship over what you'll later realize was a passing fancy. My dumb move and a crazy suggestion last night is the only reason you even imagined me as anything other than a buddy, and it doesn't hurt my feelings... but don't you dare say things just to bolster my confidence. I can become okay with me. You don't need to get dragged into it, okay?''
'Good point, I guess.' He rolled to his back before pushing himself up off the bed. 'Unless you take into account that the part about saying things just to boost you confidence or whatever is completely retarded.'
Jared swung his legs over the side of the bed and rose to his feet. The first step was difficult. He'd forgotten all about the bumps and bruises sustained in the previous day's skiing, but that soon changed when his knee buckled and he had to work quickly to correct his balance.
'Do me a favor, though,' he continued, gingerly edging closer to the couch. 'Don't pretend like you know me well enough to start guessing what's in my head. And I don't mean to sound like an ass, but please don't start making up reasons for how or why I do things. You've never asked. You wouldn't know.'
''I'm giving you an easy out.'' The small sound of her voice at that point was almost a whimper. ''I'm not certain that I know what you think, but I know the dangers of my stupid move last night, and I know that I don't want any of them realized, because we'd be ruining an amazing friendship. I still... there's a lot going on, Jared. I can't pretend I'm not sad about the way things went with her, or that I don't still feel like the worst person on earth for what I did to him. You're safer as a friend, you know? You don't deserve to get caught up in my stupidity. I haven't suddenly changed - all the ugly you saw is still true about me. I'm trying to wash it off, wean away from the drugs and... and you don't need to deal with that.''
The bed felt so much colder without him in it. She curled up on her side, pulling blankets closer and trying to get him to look back to her. ''I'm saying that when we leave this little cabin, we can be friends. We got the curiosity out of the way, right? Don't feel obligated. We're consenting adults, we can flip that switch and put easy mode on. Right back to friends. It's a good deal for you, so don't be afraid of hurting my feelings to take it.''
'I don't feel obligated, is the th...'
He sighed as he shook his head. He tried rubbing at his knee, swollen and throbbing from yesterday's crash. He cursed the mountain, the snow, the skis, and his own issues with gravity for being in this situation at all. If she hadn't made that comment about not skiing than he wouldn't have pushed for it. If he hadn't pushed for it then he wouldn't have taken that fall. If he hadn't fallen then their decision to satisfy a hungering curiosity doesn't come to be. Everything would have been easier.
Everything wouldn't hurt.
'Whatever you want,' he whispered, chancing a look over towards the bed. 'Whatever makes you happiest.'
''If I was concerned with what makes me happiest, I'd be singing a completely different tune right now. I'm fufilling the promise I made last night - that I won't get weird, that we're still just friends, no need for complications. What I wanted got us into this in the first place, but I want to be able to dig out causing as little damage as possible. I'm forcing upon myself the decency to let you out before I get dumber.''
'Seriously, Amy, don't worry about me.' It was hard to adjust in his seat on the couch, as any time he remained stationary for even a small period of time his muscles started to tense. Jared only hoped that she didn't think his wince was meant for her. Smiling hurt too, but for entirely different reasons. 'It's your call. I still don't really know what's going on, but whatever you want that's what I'll do.'
''Right now, all I want is to go back to before this conversation started - the part with the snuggling and you being back over here. We can be friends when we leave, but I want a little bubble free of complications or me wondering what kind of fire my selfish bullshit will cause.''
So what if she let the blankets fall just barely off her shoulders for a moment? A little bare shoulder to remind Jared that there was still a naked female - no matter who it was - in that bed could only help Amy's cause. ''I completely respect and understand if you'd rather the 'friend' part start again now, but you asked what I wanted - and right now, that's it.''
''Actually, fuck it.'' Campbell stirred suddenly in the bed, pulling the blankets along with her as she swung around, hoisting herself up to her feet with the comforter and a stray sheet bunched around her. Jared looked something between confused and terrified as she padded over to the couch and sank down onto it, still clinging to the little bit of cover she kept. ''I've got a thing for you. I like you. Period. That's kind of obvious. It's also obvious that the really smart thing to do is stay pals outside of this little room, and I'm kind of tired of doing the stupid thing, because nothing good comes of it in the end. But for now - and yes, I'm aware that I'm officially personifying that stupid 'Hot And Cold' Katy Perry song - I don't want to be friends, I want to be whatever it was we were last night. The second time - not the false start or anything too awkward. I want to lay here and relax and enjoy what might someday happen, but can't right now.''
Jared bit his lip and thought about it. Not because there was anything to think about - his decision had been galvanized the minute he gave in the night before, but he feared that looking too eager or willing would make her uncomfortable, especially after a back-and-forth that bordered on neurotic. This time smiling was easy. Controlling the rest of his impulses would be the challenge.
'Whatever you want,' he said again, teasing a grin at the corners of his lips. 'I can't promise the 'no awkward', though. Apparently it's kinda my thing.'
''Thank God.'' Amy rolled her eyes and, with a theatrical sigh, made one sweeping move across the couch. She was apparently an expert at wearing blankets as clothing, because they hardly budged around her as she swung a leg over Sykes' lap. It wasn't more of a hug than anything, but likely wouldn't change the natural male reaction. ''I understand the stupidity of basically sitting on you when I ask this...'' She mumbled into his ear, arms draped around his neck - again, more a hug than any Katsidy-style seducing. ''Especially after my psychotic 'just friends' rant, but am I crazy to think there was some chemistry a few hours ago? Even though we can walk out of here as nothing more than friends, wouldn't it be a shame to waste the opportunity to experiment with it?''
''I mean, not experiment,'' She chuckled, leaning back and moving one arm to keep her bedsheets-turned-toga attached. ''But... maybe do a little further testing. Or am I way off? No hurt feelings if I am, promise. We can get dressed and talk about Stormtroopers and I'll have no problem. If you think we can manage both ways, you can just pretend I'm someone a little more... I dunno, your type... for the non-conversational portion. Won't hurt my feelings - we're basically just taking advantage of that whole 'with benefits' thing people are so crazy abou--yeah, I should stop talking... just lemme know which direction we're going so I'm not a total idiot for lingering here...''
'This is a little cr...' Jared drew back at first, a little afraid of where things were headed. The whole of the morning had bordered on catastrophe. He had no idea where he stood, how she felt, or even how he felt at this point. The biological imperative that threatened to override his programming didn't help matters either.
He was sure she could hear his heart pounding beneath his breast. In truth, he wouldn't have been surprised if the entire mountain could hear it. It drowned out his thoughts and hid an already shrinking voice of reason.
'I kinda fail at sexy, I know,' she interjected.
'You really don't. Just a little overwhelmed here.'
''Well, I borked any hope of a smooth transition from 'Sorry for going crazy' to 'Hey so I'm on your lap and we should totally get naked now', and... and I'm really great at dirty talk, clearly, because guys totally want to hear 'I fail at sexy' coming from a chick in a blanket who's straddling them. Wow. I'm... sorry? I thought the jumping thing was a good idea for a second, and then I started rambling on about experiments and stupid shit and somehow brought Stormtroopers into it and you were just about to call this 'a little crazy', so maybe I should reel it in a little and...''
She finally took a moment to breathe, throwing her head back - again, not a move intended to arouse, though it might have worn that way on any other girl in that position - and laughing at herself. ''And why in the world would you be overwhelmed, what with such a calm and collected young lady as company?''
Attempting to move off of Sykes ended worse than the initial slip onto his lap. Amy had leaned to one side, moving to hoist her opposite leg back over him so she could sit down on the couch and end the physical portion of the awkward position she'd put her friend in. Her knee had dragged across his thighs, though, and the little redhead wasn't exactly the smoothest person on earth, so he really felt it when she almost lost her balance and came forward a little about halfway over his lap. She'd cringed, praying the rogue knee hadn't been low enough to bump anything but his belly button in the quick motion, but the sudden wince and male yelp said otherwise.
''Oh, God.'' Amy's cringing held, but she moved right back into position - abandoning the idea of sitting on anything but the poor man's lap at that point. She wasn't going to risk moving off of him and causing injuries again so quickly - plus, it was harder for him to run away screaming at her for being the exact opposite of all the sexy stories if she was on top of him. ''Did not mean to do that! Seriously, how am I suddenly so bad at this?!''
First she'd thrown him down a mountain, then she'd somehow managed to muddle the already complex intricacies of his subconscious mind, but the coup de grace was the accidental strike a particularly sensitive zone. All things considered it was perhaps the most painful twenty-four hours of his life, for a number of a reasons.
'It's fine,' he groaned through clenched teeth. 'I'm fine.'
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and while the pain of the initial shock had subsided a dull ache had started to creep its way up his abdomen, like an unseen hand was tying his guts in a knot.
'I mean, my kids will probably be born retarded.' And then he corrected himself. 'Well, more retarded, but I'm fine. It's fine.' His head flopped back onto the cushioned surface. 'Don't worry about it.'
''I'm afraid that's not an option.'' Instead of shedding the blankets, Amy did open them - but it was a swift movement to wrap Jared up with her, resting her forehead on his shoulder with a little snicker that she hoped he didn't hear. ''I've always been made to believe that if you're hitting a guy you've slept with in the junk, you kinda have to make it up to him somehow. If you're up for it, that is...''
Suddenly, she cringed - and it wasn't a leg cramp. ''Wow, that's amazing wording. I can't imagine how turned-on you must be right now.''
His laughing was probably something that she didn't want to hear. Jared wasn't so sure that it was a good idea either, especially given the swirling maelstrom of emotions she'd exhibited within the last few minutes alone. Nevertheless there it was.
'You're trying too hard.' He'd been staring at the ceiling when she spoke, but when his giggling subsided he brought his eyes down to where she lay across him. 'Just... I dunno. Fuckin' stop thinking.'
''Last night was supposed to be awkward and bad and easy for us to move on from, but it wasn't. It really, really wasn't.'' She spoke while unconsciously letting the sheets around them loosen - less to cover herself, more to drape over and relax them both. ''I'm not sure that our friendship can prevail if I 'just stop thinki-'''
The plan had been to swoop in for the kiss, but her forehead had bumped into Jared's, illiciting laughter from both. ''It's so not my day.'' The second attempt was spot-on, and lasted a good half a minute, breaking only when Amy found hands wandering on both sides. ''We, uh... yeah. Hope you don't mind, but I'm gonna take your advice. You sure you're okay?''
'I think I'll live,' he said, though even he wasn't sure if it was true or not. Physically he was more or less okay, aside from the aches of the accident and her wayward knee. Mentally was a different story, but letting on could be disastrous, especially given the already redlined emotions floating around the room. 'Just watch the knees, huh?'
Amy leaned back more, finding herself sitting just above his knees, and she let her hands fall to what would have been her lap, had she not been sitting on his. She looked down, again looking defeated, before meeting his eyes again. ''This... you don't have to say yes, y'know. And I'm not revving the crazy up again, I just don't want the hunt for that connection to hurt the moments in between. Don't take your shorts off just because you think my mood needs a boost, or that I'm lying to myself thinking it'll be easy to flip the switch back.''
It actually took a moment to realize the stupid, accidental resting place for her idle hands - but when Amy's brain kicked back in, she raised them as if under arrest, though she smiled sweetly at Jared. ''No strings.'' Her palms were still in the air, though her face hovered a little closer to his. ''You're my best friend, but a little while ago you wore a different hat and I sure as hell wasn't complaining... so it's whatever you want.''
'So, uhh, wow...' When she raised her hands gravity took hold and the sheet that had been covering her slipped away. Jared let his eyes fall with it, and then quickly raised them again before she could slap him for staring. 'Wait. Lemme get this straight. Either we, you know, sex again... or we're throwing me down the mountain?'
A little bashful, she shrugged. 'That's the idea.'
Jared shook his head and sighed, grinning a little.
'You mean with the knees and the headbutts it's not just as dangerous inside?' He took a deep breath and tried to swallow what remained of his frazzled nerves. 'I mean, not for nothing, but did we suddenly forget that I had to fly like four thousand miles to get here? If I had objections I would've brought 'em up yesterday, and we wouldn't have got this far.'
He pushed himself up, his face moving closer to hers. 'Stop negotiating. Stop thinking.'
Amy's smile bordered on ridiculous just then, but it was another story when she woke up a few hours later with nobody but her cat to console her on a strangely typical male disappearance by the one male she didn't think would pull that kind of thing.
But, as mentioned, that's another story.