The camera cuts to the ring announcers as ever Eugene Ware and Dave Gibson. Ware is spending his time looking around the arena as Gibson talks.
Gibson: Well, we are having a great night of action here at Uproar. It is going to get even better, we have the main event still to come. Eugene, what do you think?
Ware: To be honest, I try to not think. When I do I just figure demons are going to come from the fires of hell and take us all down.
Gibson: Erm, ok.
Ware: I am high, you have nice thighs, let’s go out and paint pictures of your mom.
Gibson: What?
Ware: Nothing, on with the show, pervert.
Any retort Gibson would be able to muster is interrupted by the sound of Feeder playing over the sound systems.
Gibson: Looks like we are being joined by Jensen, Eugene.
Ware: Wow, you figured that all out by yourself, I mean the only guy in the business which has this as a theme tune and you know its Jensen. I applaud you!
Gibson: Is it me, or is Jensen looking pretty pleased with himself today?
Ware: Maybe he got a job in Pfizer? I hear they like a few junkies every now and then to get rid of their surplus. It’s how I get my hit.
AJ saunters to the ring, a huge grin on his face, waving at the crowd as he soaks in the atmosphere. Looking around at the stadium, he nods to a few people and grabs a mic from one of the techies following him down the rampway. He dives into the ring underneath the bottom rope and stands in the middle of the ring, jumping around to the riff of the song playing over the sound system. He stops after a few seconds and puts his hand up to stop the music and address the audience.
AJ: Hi guys. Wow, it’s amazing what difference a week makes. So glad to be here and see all your smiling faces, having a good time?
Ware: You think AJ has a new shrink?
Gibson: A shrink?
Ware: Yeah, you know, the psychologist, last time I saw one he told me to hold his balls while I coughed.
Gibson: Shrinks don’t do that?
Ware: Yeah, you have to pay a little extra, but it’s worth it.
AJ: So yeah, this week I have had a revelation. I have finally found peace and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.
The crowd perform a lethargic wooo and clap him, but no one seems to be interested.
AJ: Let me read this letter out to you which I received on Monday morning. Dear Mr Jensen, that’s myself, just in case you didn’t know who I was.
Ware: He shares your love of stating the bloody obvious Gibbo, I wonder if his next revelation is that he completely sucks ass?
AJ: I am delighted to inform you that you have won the Pennsylvania State Lottery, enclosed is a cheque for 4 million dollars.
Gibson: Jensen is a millionaire Eugene, couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.
Ware: Yes Gibbo 4 million makes a millionaire. Way to go on the math buddy. I got another math problem for you, how many of you does it take to change a light bulb? 2, one to change it and the other to say how bloody obvious it was to change it in the first place and probably write a report about it.
AJ is looking around waiting for a reaction from the crowd, but he is only receiving a couple of cheers here and there. Undeterred, AJ continues.
AJ: So yeah 4 million dollars, in real money works out as about 5 pounds or something based on the fact the American dollar is as weak as most of it’s beer so what I did is then go online and play both the UK and European lottery, as, well I am English so I can play both of these.
Ware: I am going to slap the taste out of that man, obviously he is English, he has shit teeth and I swear whenever I see him backstage he has a cup of tea.
Gibson: I am sure not every English person drinks Tea Eugene.
Ware: Well, I will prove it. One day, next time we are in England we will get some skanks again, and watch – they will drink tea after we have finished. That’s if my grand theft auto urges don’t take over and I kill them first.
The audience are getting slightly more agitated with AJ, who is keeping a smile on his face. Obviously they do not like his weak dollar and beer joke.
AJ: So yeah, I go online yesterday, I somehow have won the jackpot in both of those, lucky eh? I won 35 million pounds on the UK lottery and 75 million Euros on the European lottery. Damned if I know how much a Euro is in real money, but what the hell, it’s a lot.
Again, the crowd cheer and there are a couple of wolf whistles coming from the front row. One or two women start looking at AJ and winking at him. AJ laughs and holds his hands up as he walks around the ring, looking at all 4 sides of the audience.
AJ: So yeah, just as I don’t think it can get any better, I figure I am a millionaire so I can pay off Jimmy the Bishop, pay my brother a huge compensation package involving a Nintendo and free life time pizzas at pizza hut as well as buy myself out of any more trouble that comes my way, like a true American.
Again there are murmurs of booing around the stadium; AJ is not endearing himself to the American crowd. Nor Dave Gibson.
Gibson: What does he mean by that? Buying out trouble being a true American?
Ware: It means exactly what it says on the tin Gibbo, I mean honestly, you point out the obvious all night and you can’t get this?
AJ: So then I figure, now I have paid off my enemies and I am free to do what I want, I will go and invest. I call up some stock broker in New York, he gets me a couple of risky shares in London, and, thanks to the London Stock exchange having a bit of a glitch I legitimately owned around 40 of the worlds largest multinational conglomerates, and managed to sell the stakes back for huge profit. Wait a minute, let me see how much it was.
AJ gets another piece of paper out of his pocket, and squints at it as he is reading it. He looks up with a huge smile on his face.
AJ: 8 thousand 3 hundred and 74 trillion dollars, which, according to my calculations is a fair bit of wedge, even in real money. In fact, I earned more in those 20 minutes than the than the US GPA or something ridiculous, it makes me the richest man on the planet. Who wants to touch me?
AJ holds out his hands like a televangelist, waiting for people to come to him and touch him as if he was a god. No one is forthcoming. Instead AJ is starting to hear a chorus of boos.
Gibson: The crowd are not liking this one bit
Ware: Oh, really? I think the boos mean they actually love him and his wad! I know I love his wad.
AJ: Ok, ok, I understand, you see a rich guy who got lucky with all that money and you are a little pissed, I have been there. I am going to put it to good use though! This is the interesting bit. I have decided that I am going to help on the war on terror!
The crowd cheer as AJ takes out an American flag from his pocket and waves it around to the audience.
AJ: Yes, I am going to help rid this world once and for all of the fascists who terrorise innocent people every day, people who live in fear, and want to work, and cant move because of fear of being bombed the fuck up and other things of that nature. I am going to invest in the armies of the Taliban to rid the world of the evil west!
AJ is suddenly surrounded by a wall of boos, several missiles are being thrown into the ring, aimed at AJ. He walks around the ring with his hands outstretched taking in the boos and the noise before security come to ringside on his call and escort him out, saving him from the crowd.
Gibson: Did I just hear that right, Jensen is now the richest guy on the planet and he is joining the Taliban to get rid of the people who made him rich?
Ware: Sorry, I got lost on the richest guy on the planet. You reckon he will give me a loan? I have a couple of loan sharks to pay off, and, well, I always liked AJ. I think he has heart.
Gibson: You called him a coward the other day, someone who cant hit a suplex if it fell and hit him, you said he sucked on numerous occasions and also once told me that you think if he had any sense whatsoever he would go and die because if you saw him on the street alone you would have to stab him repeatedly until the screams stop.
Ware: Well, yeah, that was then, but he is rich now. I like him.
Gibson: Well anyway, Now AJ has gone we can carry on with the show. Stay tuned, the main event is going to be Nuts!
Jensen is rumoured to be furious about the network airing him out of the show and is demanding showdown talks with Network chiefs. Showtime could not be available for comment, with the exception of this brief statement on their website.
The Showtime Network is commited to good quality American viewing. Any subject matter which is deemed to be inappropriate and in violation of our policy, especially those which promote terrorism will be immediately censured.
Jensen is unavailable at this time, he has spent the last 2 days counting his money and trying to explain how he managed to get out of his kidnap situation to anyone who would listen. Apparently the method of escape involved a yak, some Isreali dentists and a car made out of straw. Some of this may not be true and speculators say that Jay fell asleep while on guard of Jensen's prison and he just managed to sneak away.
Only time will tell.