Birdies floating around my head.

Wake up in a pool of sweat. Sit up and look around. In a darkened room somewhere backstage. Must’ve gotten zapped by an alien laser. Fucking Spacely…

First he steals my belt with his conspirator Xander Searle helping him. I bet this was all set up by Desade to help Spacely get into the main event and help Desade and Aimz win the whole thing.

It’s a fucking conspiracy and nobody sees it but me. I have to warn everybody. See various backstage personnel roaming about. I can do nothing to stop the impending apocalypse.

The moment Searle hit me, I knew what the real plan was. Oh yes. Space invasion conspiracy! I must consult with the Jungle Cats and stop this travesty before it happens. I MUST!

Grabbing my invisible belt, I get off the medical bed I’m laying on as the doctors try to keep me from leaving the room. I push them away. Nobody’s going to stop me.

Doctor grabs my arm. I turn around and punch him right in the face. As he bleeds on the floor, I quickly exit the medical area and head down the hallway.

Go to my locker room and open the door. Inside are the Jungle Cats waiting for me. The cat army looks at me, purring, meowing, and growling. I sniff the air. Smell the Sleepwalkers in the distance.

They are having incest sex much like royals from the dark ages. On the television they are running the newest BOB show. See M. Plants all over the place. For some reason no one is trying to pop them with a needle.

One of the cat people goes over and turns off the television. The cats are still looking at me. I’ve said nothing. At this point I start mumbling about alien invasions and the movie Race to Witch Mountain.

They look at me strangely as I warn them about Dr. Manhattan’s ultimate plan to destroy New York City and kill us. After this I look at the Jungle Cats, waiting to hear them roar.

I hear nothing…

Rub my eyes and look around.

I am alone.

I was talking to myself the whole time.

Searle might’ve knocked out the last of my marbles. Look down. Balls are still there and intact.

I cant still have sex, that’s all that matters. DNA and the DMH and all of their goons are behind all of this. They want to stop me from unveiling their evil plot to the world!

Look around and still there are no cats or cat people. I am alone in my battle against the Spacely Alien Invasion Forces from the planet Kreplakistan in the Delta Quadrant. For one he literally stole my real belt.

Secondly he is trying to exterminate the entire human race in his evil plot for world domination. Therefore, he must be destroyed by my hand.

Go over to my duffel bag and pull out a bag of cocaine. Set it on the ground. Get some out and snort it off of my invisible belt that is lying on the bench next to me.

Rise up with white powder around my salivating nostrils and see the world as it truly is. A rainbow of colors will all sorts of flying little animals are all around in the air above me.

The world is like a cartoon world. THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!

It’s like being inside of Yoshi’s Island but without Baby Mario and Baby Luigi to screw everything up. Wander over to my laptop which is lying on the floor to charge up. Turn it on and wait for it to load.

Look around at the cartoon animals as it starts up. Once it’s up and running, I quickly get onto an Asian porno site. Watch some videos for a few minutes before going on the forums of my favorite wrestling forums.

Get on the boards and go quickly to the Games forum to play Mafia. Look and see I have three votes against me already.

“Fuckers…”

Type up a post that simply says “Lynch me.”

Wait a few minutes and wait for a response. All I get is a sarcastic comment from someone pointing a Finger Of Suspicion at me.

I respond by saying ‘Just fucking lynch me already.’

Wait for ten minutes but no one responds. Go back to looking at online pornography before snorting more cocaine. The whole world is now a swirl of rainbows and Care Bears.

Mummies rise up from the ground below me. They are wrapped in toilet paper and smell like poop. They start groaning before walking in my direction.

“HOLY NIPPLE RINGS!”

Quickly push past them and grab the laptop off the ground. Put it in my bag along with the charging chord.

Run out of the locker room only to get attacked by aliens! EEK!

They blast at me with laser guns and try to shrink my head with some sort of shrink ray. I start grabbing for any sort of weapon to fight them off with. End up with a lead pipe someone left on the ground.

Start hitting at the aliens, bashing and smashing at them. The little green men fly in all directions. Spacely’s alien scum throw fireballs at me but I fight them off.

See some UFOs flying toward me now. Look around and see a box full of Frisbees. Grab some out of the box and start tossing the Frisbees at the UFOs as they start shooting laser blasts in my direction.

I dip, dodge, duck, and dodge like I’m in a dodge ball game. Run away from the floating metal ships as I head away from them and go out the exit.

Run to my car and get in. Quickly speed off as the ships from Spacely’s invasion forces go back to the sky.

Drive down the endless highway with unicorns and demons running in the wild brush on the sides of the highway. Hear their howls as I speed toward Sin on Spike.

The road seems endless as I drive down it. Cars are formless all around me. Some of them talk to me with their horns. Must be some sort of mating signal directed at my car. Heard it was mating season for Toyotas and Fords.

Continue driving until I reach a motel down the street from the show’s venue. Quickly park and get a room.

Wander around the motel before checking into my room. Go inside the room and drop off my stuff before going outside and locking the door behind me so that the alien forces do not raid my motel room while I’m gone.

Go to this local dive called Blue Balls. Sit at the bar and get some shots…twenty of them. Pick up some red haired babe who thinks I look “like a cute homeless guy in a suit.”

Take her back to my room for a little action. However, when I get there, I open the door to find some guys in cat masks and some big African guy with a cat mask who looks like Kamala but more of a bad ass.

Actually he looks more like Morpheus but bigger. They stare at us. One of them says, “Before you snort coke off of that hooker’s breast and have some wild sex, we need to talk.”

“Huh,” I reply. “I thought you guys were a hallucination.”

They all look at me strangely. Maybe I was on shrooms when I first saw them.

“The Jungle Cats are no hallucination,” one of them replies to me. “Now lets chat so you can fuck that bitch more sooner than later.”

I close the door behind me and listen to what they have to say. Once they are done, they leave.

The next morning I cough up a hairball onto the sleeping hooker. She woke up looking like the bearded lady. Maybe she was a man. I must get ready. Searle is going down tonight and I must at least smoke two joints and drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels before snorting up for the match. Revenge will be mine…

And the SCCW Invisible Championship belt will still look great around my waist.