I’m the rhyme master.
And the masturbator.
The only thing that I can do.
After getting drunk, I go over to the Blockbuster down the street from my hotel and rent some movies to help me prepare for my match.
The Exorcist III
Run Fatboy Run
Halloween II
Weekend at Bernie’s
Upon renting them, I head back to the hotel room. Go out and buy alcohol before walking back again.
Start watching movies. Watch all of them over and over again over a span of three days. Slowly lose my mind.
Brain melting
Thoughts pass through time like sand in a hourglass
I have no clue what to do. I’m battling a legion, one that cannot be stopped. The world is going to fucking end at their hands and I’ll be stuck here…at Bernie’s…with a dead guy named Bernie.
Yep, that is the story of my life.
Go to the bar down the street. Pick up some ugly fat chick. Take her to my hotel room. Have sex. Go to sleep…
S
S
S
S
S
S
LLLLLLLL
EE
E
E
E
E
E
E
E
E
E
E
P
P
P
P
…………..
Awaken and look around to find myself inside of a dark cave. Weird creatures with shining blue eyes surround me.
Getting up, I see that they are humanoids of some type. Try to pull out my Star Trek communicator but realize that I have none.
“Fuck…”
Look at the humanoids. The appear like shadows to me before walking up to me. They then begin to speak.
“WE ARE LEGION. YOU CANNOT RESIST US. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.”
I raise an eyebrow upon hearing this.
“Did I get sucked into a Star Trek the Next Generation episode or something?”
No reply from any of the creatures except for the same thing repeated.
“WE ARE LEGION. YOU CANNOT RESIST US. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.”
Now I’m scared. Not of dying, but of becoming one of them. Looking around, I find a big rock on the ground.
Pick it up and run. The legion follows slowly behind me like a mindless sociopathic horror movie villain.
Running like crazy, I know what I must do now. I must defeat the legion and save the rest of humanity from them.
Otherwise they will take over and there will be nothing left. They will kill us all! Then I come to an epiphany…
THIS IS LIKE THAT MOVIE THE TERMINATOR!
They’re going to nuke us somehow and then send back robots to kill me but the resistance will send back a protector to protect me from assassination.
I look around for Sarah Connor but she is not there. Instead I find the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man! He steps through the top of the cave and smashes the legion.
He then starts chasing me!
STOMP
STOMP
STOMP
Run and then escape through a giant green pipe at the end of the cave.
Upon exiting on the other side of the pipe, I am greeted by Goombas, Koopa Troopas, and Buzzy Beetles.
OH SNAP!
I’M IN SUPER MARIO WORLD!
“Oh bother…”
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AWAKE!
Rise up from the bed and look over to see the fat chick eating a hamburger next to me on the bed.
At this point I gag and head to bathroom.
I don’t throw up. However I do wash my dick with soap and water. Never fucking anything that I’ve seen on National Geographic again.