The fact they are striking, and have been since November is a bit of a disaster for the economies of California and America, but it also is a disaster for all the people who love films, rely on TV to educate their children and that sort of thing. It’s especially galling for the richest guy on the planet, Andre Jensen, who has this awesome TV system, but can’t watch new episodes of 24 yet! This is why he is currently in a motorcade to the heart of the picket lines, in order to use his influence as an Ambassador to the Taliban to put an end to the strike.
Jensen looks out from his camouflaged limousine at the roads streaking past, the buildings being one great blur as his driver has been instructed to “Get there fast, Jack Bauer needs me” he seems to be pondering, perhaps the meaning of life, perhaps the fact he got a cake in his face on his birthday, who knows? One thing for sure is that his assistant Claire (A new girl as his previous assistant was sacked for daring to support the patriots at the super bowl and her pro American stance) is neck deep in a load of legal paperwork stemming from a law suit that Tom Brady had brought against AJ, one for emotional distress because of AJ actually trying to recruit him for the Taliban, and another for loss of earnings because he didn’t get too much sleep that night because AJ had “planted seeds of filth” in his mind, and it is his fault he lost, not the fact that he couldn’t get the offence going because the Giants had the line tied up tighter than a BDSM convention.
“Eduardo, are we nearly there yet? I have to stop this strike” Buzzes AJ through the intercom to his driver.
“Nearly signore Jensen, we are just around the corner, please, relax and listen to the nice sounds of Shakira.”
“Shakira?”
“Shakira”
“Why Shakira?”
“She good no? Whenever wherever we meant to be together”
“I really have no idea.”
“I can burn you the CD if you like Mr Jensen.”
“Eduardo, I am the richest guy on the planet, Andre Jensen! My bank account holds more than the other 20 top richest guys put together. I think I can buy myself a Shakira CD if I want to, hell I could afford a private concert.”
“A private concert signore? Please can I be involved in that, I love Shakira.”
AJ shakes his head and sighs as he looks back over to Claire.
“What’s Brady sayin’ then?”
“Oh, the usual from last time Mr Jensen, he is still blaming you.”
“Really? All I did is offer him the opportunity of a lifetime.”
“By betraying his country and supporting some people who attacked it killings loads of civilians.”
“Exactly, a perfect opportunity to redeem himself to a whole nation, I mean damnit, it isnt as if they are Canadian or something.”
“That much is true I guess, anyway the lawyers are on to this, they can prove that he was thinking about knitting patterns when he was playing, so there isnt anything to worry about.”
“How?”
“Don’t know to be honest, they just can do this sort of thing.”
“Oh, ok.”
“Are you ok Mr Jensen, you seem a bit tense”
“Well, I am just thinking about this interview I have to do this week. Its all well and good interviewing people, but I think it’s a bit distasteful for FUSE to insist I interview the guy who put me through a table last time I was anywhere but in a ring with him, and you know that Smitty bloke wont even let me bribe him. What is the world coming to when you cant bribe in America?”
Claire rolls her eyes a little, with being from Memphis she tries to ignore the derogatory things AJ says every now and then about her homeland, but occasionally when it is overboard she has to restrain herself. He pays a good salary, so she can cope with some of his behaviour. AJ closes his eyes and takes a deep sigh as the limo seems to be pulling over in front of the MGM studio, picket lines are still happening and such illustrious chants as “Network bosses, rich and rude, We don't like your attitude!” and the classic “Working writers, Under attack, What do we do? Stand up! Fight back!” are drifting into the limo as the shakira CD finally is switched off.
“Catchy lyrics, I might sign some of them up for my network.” Claims AJ, while he stretches his neck.
“Network sir?” Claire looks on puzzled as AJ says this.
“Yeah, well, I haven’t bought it yet, but I am so sick of the censorship thing, I might buy showtime, or another network and put FUSE on that.”
Whatever AJ says, Claire has this innate ability to just let slide. It was the same as the first day she started the job, AJ decided that he didn’t want to listen to boy bands any more so he was going to buy a record label and sign up only real music, but he got very, very drunk on vodka and forgot the whole idea.
AJ waits for Eduardo to come round to his side of the limousine and open the door for him. AJ thanks him and walks off to the picket lines, leaving Claire struggling with the big, heavy gym bag AJ had mysteriously put into the limo just before they left with the instructions to only open it when he says so.
AJ surveys the picket line and wanders up to the perceived leaders (the ones with most passion that are eating croissants instead of toast)
“Good morning, Andre Jensen, Richest guy on the planet” He holds his hand out in greeting, with a beaming smile on his face.
One of the writers in the group looks at AJ suspiciously and ponders for a moment whether AJ is A: From Punkd, B: A spy from the AMPTP or C: An idiot. They quickly realise that C is probably the most likely answer.
“Who are you?” one of them asks AJ in an accusatory tone.
”I have told you, Andre Jensen, richest guy on the planet, I have come to support you, I want 24 back on the air and this whole thing is stopping it, so it is pretty shit really. Get it sorted and you shall be rewarded.
“What do you mean get it sorted? The guys in that office there are the negotiating committee with the AMPTP, they are the ones who need to sort it out.”
“I see, I need to talk to them first then huh? Ok, well, considering there are a load of people here anyway I may as well say a few words to the troops as well.”
Without any acknowledgement, AJwalks to the temporarily erected soapbox with a megaphone in his hand looking at the 300 or so writers standing in front of the studio with their banners and placards. Some of them look at him and stop, to hear what he has to say, others, well, they just haven’t noticed or don’t care.
“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen!” AJ shouts through the megaphone, gaining rapt attention from now pretty much everyone.”
“I am Andre Jensen, richest guy on the planet, and I have come here to give you MY support, obviously not money considering some of you wrote shit like Sex and the City, but still. You MUST get quality programs such as 24 back on the air as soon as possible, give a fairer deal to you all!”
This is met by some applause, obviously not from the writers of Sex and the City, but still a good sentiment.
“I am going to go to the meeting in representation of you all, WE WILL HAVE DEAL BY THE END OF THE DAY!”
More applause, some murmurings of who the hell is he and how is he going to get into that, but AJ ignores all of those anyway. Sensing a triumphant mood, AJ leaps off the soapbox and literally sprints to the office complex in order to join the meeting, literally getting clotheslined by the big guard who keeps security at the MGM.
“Who the hell are you? Why are you in my studio?” hears AJ as he lays sprawled on the floor looking up at tweety pie and his family.
“I am here to negotiate for the strikers, I am the richest guy on the planet Andre Jensen, I have come by invitation.”
“Invitation huh? By who?”
“Corben wallermanfandaticktockbanana?”
“Oooooooooooh Corben, fair enough I will let you through then, he said to expect someone, I figured it would be one of those woman types, but no, its you – go ahead and the meeting is third door on the right”
As he is saying this, the guard helps AJ to his feet and dusts him off a little bit.
“How’d you like the clothesline Mr Jensen, I have been following FUSE for as long as I can remember, I think I can handle myself in the ring, don’t you reckon?”
AJ gives the guard a once over and shrugs a little bit still dizzy from the unexpected clobbering he got.
“Well, you hurt me more than I got the other week, so you must be doing something right”
The guard smiles in joy and slaps AJ on the back.
“Thank you Mr Jensen! That’s like the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me”
The guard is now beginning to well up a little bit
“It would be an honour, if………..if…….”
He is now seemingly too shy to come out with what he was going to say.
“come out with it, I haven’t got all day”
“Well, it would be an honour sir if I could join you in your crusade against the west.”
AJ looks a bit flabbergasted at this, usually when he tries to recruit he is pretty much dead man walking, here is a guy wanting to join willingly!
“Erm, sure, give my details to Claire my assistant, she is over there by my limo and we will get it arranged, in the meantime – I gotta go stop this strike!”
With that AJ pats the guard on the shoulder, again making the guard seem like the happiest man alive and rushes down the corridor to the meeting room the guard pointed out. He bursts through the door in a mad rush and into the room where a dozen suited men all just clam up and turn to the door at once, it is almost like when as a kid you randomly walk into your parent’s room one day and your dad happens to be playing “hugs” with your mum, with no clothes on, and hugging quite a bit when they notice you come into the room and give you that icy stare. Well not quite, but you get the picture, it is awkward.
“Hi I am the richest guy on the planet, Andre Jensen”
A dozen men still stare at him from round the table, some with more fury than others.”
“I have come to stop the writers strike!”
Still nothing from the men.
“Ok, well, here is my proposal, whoever writes 24 starts like, now, oh and Battlestar Galactica too, and I give everyone on the show a billion?”
“Who, are you?” finally is plucked up by someone in the room.
“I already said, richest guy on the planet, Andre Jensen – I want 24 back on the air.”
“Notwithstanding the fact that you are trespassing on private property, and us not having a clue who the hell you are, what the hell do you have to negotiate with?”
“Around 800 billion dollars”
The change of atmosphere is immediate.
“Ah come in Mr Jensen, sit down, do you want a drink?”
The chair of the meeting pulls out a chair for AJ to sit on to join in the negotiations.
“Ok, I want the following to happen, I want 24 back on the air, and I want Jack Bauer to lead my campaign”
“Your campaign?”
“Yeah, the free America liberation campaign”
“I think we can accommodate that in the next show when we write it for fox”
“How good does he look in a turban?”
“A turban?”
“Yeah, if he is going to represent us he needs to look good in a turban, what’s his size?”
“Jack Bauer is an all American hero mr. Jensen, I don’t think he would look good in one.”
“Look, if he is to be a member of the Taliban, he needs to look good in a turban, its all about the looks baby, he has to be looking properly Talibanned when he is gunning down president Schwarzenegger or whoever it is going to be next.”
“Obama”
“OBAMA! MY WORK HERE IS DONE!”
“Not Osama you idiot, Barak Obama”
“Sounds like the sort of guy I want on board, where do I find him? Maybe I can offer him the billions instead of Jack Bauer.”
AJ leaves the negotiating table before any reply can be made, leaving the writers and producers inside speechless.