So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl
She's easy on the eyes

12.2
the window: first visit

9/29/07

Jonathan Rhine’s eyes open slowly, and his first sight is of Sarah Riley’s blonde hair, several loose strands amplifying the sun’s glare.

Shaking his head groggily, Jonathan’s mind begins to act much faster than his body, as he realizes the problems with having her visit him in the hospital. “Sarah, what are you do--”

“I know, I know,” she says, her eyes lowered in the same way they have been since this tryst started. “I hate doing this, I hate having no control over my emotions, but that doesn’t mean I suddenly do. I had to see you, I was worried.”

Jonathan sighs and tries to sit up, grimacing as he does so. “No need to worry. I’m fine. This is just what I get for playing the game.”

Sarah nods. “How do you react to this sort of thing?”

“Huh?” Jonathan is confused; he’s still not used to her switching from pleasure to business and back again so quickly.

“Well, you stood up for what you thought was right, and you got hospitalized as a result. When you say ‘it’s just what you get,’ do you really mean that? Are you not mad about being screwed at all?”

Jonathan, mind still working slowly thanks to the beating and the drugs, takes a bit of time as he processes the question. “Well, it’s not like I’m not mad. I’m not happy about the situation, but at the same time this is what I signed up for. I’m the flag-bearer for change in FUSE, and that doesn’t make life easy for me. It’s not like Clinton Sage and the rest are going to see us coming and lie down. They’re going to fight.”

Sarah nods. “And are you up to the fight? Even if it keeps hospitalizing you?”

His response is immediate. “Definitely.”

“What if it hurts the ones you love?”

Jonathan stops and looks up at Sarah, not sure of how to answer at first. Then, nodding to himself with conviction, he responds. “Yes. I can’t ever back down. No matter what happens.”

12.3
the mirror: quitting

You considered quitting after the October 5th show. You followed her to the hospital, and despite the strength you showed Seymour, you deeply thought about telling Smitty you were done. You knew that things would happen if you brought Katie in, you knew that she would be a target…

But you had no idea it would get to this point.

You spent the next few days talking to Katie about all of the problems. The issues with Sage, the dissention between the members of The Highwaymen, everything. You were completely ready to tell her that you were done, that you didn’t want to hurt her anymore, and you were going to find a job at a gym back home. You were seconds away from telling her that you could just go home and not ever worry about FUSE again.

But she wouldn’t let you.

12.4
the window: not afraid

10/7/07

“Tell me you’re going to kick his ass for me.”

Jonathan looks to Katie Malick, surprised. They have been lying in bed for nearly an hour, and this is the first time either of them have spoken. Rolling over to see her better, he looks down at her, his face twisted in concern. “You want me to perpetuate this?”

Katie nods solemnly. “Of course. He attacked me. He hurt me to get to you. Why would I want anything less?”

Jonathan looks away, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t know…I just thought that this job led to the problem, so keeping at it would only lead to more.”

“Jonathan,” Katie says, rolling over and wincing as she does so, “I understand that there are battle lines. We just weren’t careful. I don’t like what happened to me, but I’ll be damned if it’s going to get either of us to quit. I joined your side as a valet because I wanted to be a bigger part of your life than simply waiting for you to come home for the weekend. And now that part entails me coming with you and cheering you on while you rip a hole in Sage’s face.”

Jonathan curls his lip thoughtfully. “You’re not afraid that it will go even further?”

Smiling a small smile that has always driven Jon crazy, she shakes her head. “I’m not afraid of anything. Not when I’m in an arena with you. Not when I’m home with you.” She kisses him on the cheek, then looks at him sincerely, dropping the smile. “When you’re around, I don’t fear anything at all. Let Clint do his worst.”

Jonathan sighs. “He will.”

12.5
the mirror: point scale

You love her.

You’ve been killing yourself over the two women in your life for the past few months, and you never had an answer. It seemed that for every point you found Katie better in, there was another point that Sarah excelled at.

Katie is compassionate. But Sarah is the most understanding person you’ve ever met.

Katie has innocence, but at the same time is so wise that sometimes it’s scary. But Sarah has an experience, and seems to know what every subtle human action means and implies.

Katie is beautiful. But Sarah is gorgeous.

You’ve spent days and days trying to make sense of it all in your head: how you can feel so strongly about two people, how you can juggle it all with your pre-existing responsibilities, and most importantly how you would choose.

But you’ve realized something.

For every point there’s a reason to be with Katie, there’s a reason to be with Sarah.

But love doesn’t work on a point scale.

You don’t tally the score and go with the one with the most arbitrarily set good qualities. You trust your heart, and you figure out what you want.

And you now know that you want Katie Malick, to be with forever, to grow old with, to keep you company every day for the rest of your life.

Sarah Riley is an enigma; she was charming, beautiful, and more fun than you thought possible.

She was also a mistake.

Because you love Katie Malick, and that’s all that matters.

So you decide to make one last stop at her house. Tell her you’ve made your decision, and that the sessions are done.

12.6
the window: second visit

Jonathan’s knock is slow and deliberate. The door opens after a few seconds, and Sarah Riley peers up at him with understanding written on her face.

“I can’t…” starts Jonathan.

“I know,” she interrupts.

Three painful seconds pass, as both look to the ground for something to focus on rather than the current situation.

“It has to be over,” he says.

“I know,” Sarah repeats.

More seconds pass, and finally Sarah sighs loudly and nods. “All right then. I’ll see you arou…well, I don’t know if that’s true. But I’ll be watching you, Jonathan. Good luck.”

Jonathan nods, and Sarah closes her eyes for a second, as if the pain is too hard to face. Then, she tries to close the door, but can’t.

Because Jonathan’s hand is on the door, preventing it from closing. He looks at her and shakes his head.

12.7
the mirror: can’t

But you can’t.

12.8
the window: done

Jonathan quietly enters his house and looks at Katie, who is sitting on the couch reading. When she sees him, she smiles and stands up. Shuffling slowly so she doesn’t disturb the bandages (a result of the tattoo removal), she hugs Jonathan, who doesn’t hug back. “Are you okay, baby?”

After a second, Jonathan nods. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

“You got out all of your issues with your therapist?”

Sighing, Jonathan doesn’t answer at first. Then, holding Katie close to him, he closes his eyes. “Yeah. It’s all done.”

12.9
the jukebox: almost honest

Which direction
Down this highway that I ride
To Atlanta; she is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love
I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest

“Almost Honest” appears on Josh Kelley’s CD Almost Honest, courtesy of Hollywood Records